Damn, I'm dumb. I was so totally into my fuck buddy that I was blinded. I gave him my total heart and he gave me shit. Seriously, he doesn't give a fuck about me even though I've bent over backwards for him. As I'm sure you all must think that I'm just being melodramatic, I'm really not; I have proof. My fuck buddy fell on some hard times, he got a dui. He lost his job at said cable company that we both work at because he didn't tell them immediately that his license was suspended and continued to work on a suspended license. When said cable company found out that he didn't have a license they fired him on the spot. He also told me that his roommate moved out and his power had been shut off. Me, feeling love and sympathy for this man invited him to move in with me. At first he declined my offer but I talked him into it thinking it would be wonderful fun for us to live together. It sucked from the very beginning. I didn't realize when I gave him permisssion to move in with me that he was addicted to chat rooms. The very first night he stayed with me I had to listen to him talking (via a microphone he used to chat with people), I had to listen to him chatting on the internet with another woman. He apparently had absolutely no interest in spending time with me (even though he told me he missed me), he only cared about spending time with these women on the internet.

I guess before I go any further I should include you, my readers, to what happened back around February. My fuck buddy got a dui and was no longer able to drive his own cars because the police in his neighborhood knew his cars and if he drove them he would have been pulled over and arrested. I, being the caring friend that I WAS, offered up my car for him to drive as an alternate so that he could still work. One morning I volunteered to work overtime and told my fuck buddy that he could use my car while I was at work. I had planned to start work at 8 am which was very early for me. I gave him a couple options, the first was for me to pick him up on my way home so that I didn't have to leave so early in the morning but he wasnt interested in that option and instead chose for me to pick him up the next morning. I agreed and when I went to pick him up the next morning after a repeated banging on his door to wake him up I found the back door unlocked and let myself in as I had many times previously. When I entered his bedroom I found him spooning another woman. Yes, of course I was super pissed off. He was passed out at the time and I don't know if he even knew I was there except for the text messages I sent him telling him to basically fuck off. I didn't hear from him again until about a month ago.

A month ago he text me to tell me that he had a dui. He was pretty much all crapped out. His roommate moved out. His gas and electric was already turned off. He was without a job because his job at said cable company was terminated because he no longer had a drivers license which was required for him to go out and sell cable. He was fucked. I felt pity on him and inevitably invited him to move in with me (into my guest bedroom). I still loved the guy afterall. The very first day he stayed at my house I realized he didn't care even half as much about me as I did him. I had to endure listening to him "chat" online with another woman. I had to listen because they used microphones and webcams in this chatroom. After a few days of this I got really tired of it all and removed the internet from him. I started hiding or taking the modem to work with me. I thought maybe this would make us closer but instead it threw us further apart. He spent every moment at home either watching movies in his room or playing solitare on his computer. One night I tried to connect with him and pretty much threw myself at him and even woke up naked next to him and he was all the way on the other side of the bed. Apparently he had no interst in me. The next 2 nights he didn't come home. I have no idea where he was or who he was with but I figured it was a backlash at me because I took the modem. I wasn't going to let that shit go down in my house. Why the fuck should I sit around and be sad over some asshole guy in my own home anyway??? He came home on the third day and I tried to take a nap before going out with a girlfriend but I just couldn't sleep because it upset me so much him not coming home. I decided to put my fucking foot down and walked to his room after taking a shower (with only a towel wrapped around me) and told him he needed to get out. He protested at first and even told me that he had it in writing that he could stay as long as he needed to. I told him very clearly that was the case, but since he hadn't given me any money to stay with me that he was a GUEST in my house and I had the right to kick him out any time I wanted to. It didn't take very much convincing to get him to leave my house, as he knew that I wsas serious about making him leave and that I would inform the police (who are just a block away from me), that he didn't have a license to drive legally. Since then he has only responded to text messages and I've just tonight informed him that if he didn't have all of his shit out of my house by saturday it would be out on the street. I guess I will need to call legal aid to make sure I have the right to do that, but since he's not living here I don't see why I can't. I just want to be done with him.

Since I've kicked my fuck buddy to the curb, I've found somone else to occupy my time. It's a guy I met at my local bar. He's pretty hot. Tall and kind of looks like Toby Keith, only he's not country. The only problem is that he has a girlfriend. I can only see him like one time a week. He stopped over last night for a booty call and although I wasn't really feeling it, I did anyway. The sex is GREAT. I guess I just feel bad because he has a girlfriend and I know I would fucking hate it if another girl was screwing my boyfriend. I told him it was bad Karma for me to keep sleeping with him but then he told me maybe it's his gf's bad Karma catching up with her that is causing him to cheat. Anyway, it's a nice relief to not have my fuck buddy on my mind all the time anyway now what I have a new fuck buddy. I guess though it might hinder me finding a guy for myself as long as I have a fuck buddy in my life. I guess I'll sleep on that tonight and decide if I want to maybe let him go so I can open other doors. Well, as always, this has been Keri, over and out and still single.

And I thought I was in hell with the last post. I had spent all weekend texting my fuck buddy with no response so I moved on. I found a personals ad for a guy who I thought looked cute, he seemed like he was a sex addict which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but after repeatedly telling this guy that if I met him I had no intention of just having sex with him. I'm looking for a boyfriend, not another fuck buddy. He took it to the extreme and even sent pictures of his manlihood. One night we were supposed to meet and I text him when I got home from work to find out if he had gotten off work yet and wanted to get together. I didn't get a reply until a few hours later and by then it was pretty late. He had said that he had to work late. It wasn't until the next day that I saw a personal ad for his cock on this website that I found him on looking for a blowjob. The time the ad was placed was during the time he told me he was working. I stopped corresponding with this guy immediately.

Then my world suddenly looked brighter just a few days later, my fuck buddy text me and told me that he'd been in jail for 4 days because of a dui. I told him I would help him, I felt bad because I had sent some pretty mean text messages while he was in the clink. I offered to drive him around while his license was suspended, offered to share my car as he didn't mind driving as long as it wasn't one of his cars that when the tags were ran it pulled up that his license was suspended. We spent a lot of time together for a week. I spent the night before his birthday into the morning of his birthday at his house. He had to bartend on his birthday so I took him dinner, a cake, and a present just so he would feel loved (because I really do love him). He borrowed my car the next day and the following day he borrowed my car and picked me up from work and stayed at my house. The next day he borrowed my car and we went to the casino together and stayed in one of their hotel rooms that I got comped. We had a great week together. He borrowed my car the last day on Wednesday and went to court on Thursday. He told me that his license was still suspended so he would need to continue to borrow my car. I was ok with that. The next time he needed my car was Saturday. I told him I signed up for an early shift at work on Saturday and told him I could pick him up Friday night or Saturday morning. He didn't reply so I went to pick him up Saturday morning (had to wake up at 5:30 am after working until 11:30 pm just to make it to his house in time to pick him up before I went to work). I text him and called him to make sure he was awake before I left my house. No response. I got to his house and knocked first and then let myself in as he always leaves a door unlocked. He was in bed with another woman!!! I was super pissed off. I guess I don't have any reason to be pissed off except that he has led me on for so long. He always has told me that he doesn't see other women, and once when I accused him of only calling me at 3 am wanting to hook up because he couldn't find anyone else to go home with he insisted that was not how it was. So I was right all along, he is a jerk. I didn't cause a scene. He was still passed out but the girl was awake. I muttered "borrow someone else's car", and left. I sent him 4 nasty text messages when I made it to work and that was 2 weeks ago today. I told him to lose my phone number and so far he has honored my request and not contacted me.

I'm too angry to be sad. I guess though, I was warned about him by one of my best friends, and by my ex boyfriend. I should have heeded their warnings but was blinded by my love for him. I am now free of my fuck buddy and trying to find love again.

Soooo, in my quest to find love I signed up for a free dating web site with high expectations. I placed an ad but checked the wrong box. I checked that I was searching for a woman (I thought it was asking if I was a woman or man). In no time at all I got a message from a girl named Cherry wanting to talk. I replied that it was my mistake and that I was new to the sight. I don't know though, maybe I should become a lesbian to find a date. That was sarcasm in case you didn't get it. Well, this has been another installment of my sad dating life. No boyfriend. No fuck buddy. No guy friend to take me out and drink away my sorrows with me. Just me and my dog Charlie. I guess as the Ghost Hunters Jay and Grant would say "On to the next." This is Keri, over and out, and still single.

FUCK!!!! Ok, sorry to offend by that blatant use of profanity, but really, FUCK!!! Are all men out there assholes? I thought I kicked my fuck buddy to the curb and then he started texting me again out of the blue and was being very coy about asking me if I was awake and when my new schedule is and what my days off are. I'm sensing hidden agenda, like he might need to borrow my car again. I'm not really worried about that because I've been emailing a guy I work with who I'm a little interested in until I start looking at his profiles on certain social networking sites and I see pictures of him with his wife. WTF??? After I told said guy that I wouldn't date guys that are in my department becuase it would be too weird if things didn't work out he told me he was looking to go to another department so he could date me. It was only later that I saw the pictures and suspected he was married and asked him about it and he admitted that he thought I knew. Why the hell would a married man even think I would want to go out with him? Somebody please shoot me.

So basically, I'm in hell right now. I'm pissed off at my fuck buddy because I've text him 19 times this weekend and he hasn't bothered to text me back. I'm feeling extremely used even though we haven't had sex, it was just the fact that he wants to keep a string between me and him, he wants to keep that connection in case he ever does need me or needs to have a surrogate girlfriend who will be there for him without having to have that committment. I'm a hating him right now and asked him to lose my number but still offered to change my number just in case he can't handle my simple request.

God, why are men such jerks? I have a guy on one hand who I know is into me but he's married and another guy who is into me too but only when it suits his purpose and he's completely single. Why can't I ever find just one guy who loves me for me and isn't married? Please see the chapter on the perfect guy for reference. I think I need to see my dr and up my meds after these turn of events. Oh, btw, I'm on meds because I have pmdd, serious emotional destress when I am pmsing (trust me, if you were dating me you would be very happy that I'm on these meds). I just don't get guys nowadays. What the hell do they want besides sex? Even my fuck buddy can't commit to a regular sexual relationship. I think he's afraid to get to close to anyone. If a fuck buddy can't commit to just sex then how am I going to find a guy who can commit to more than that? I'm lost. Well, this has been another chapter of my sad pothetic single life. This is Keri, still single and not quite desperate but getting there. Over and out.

Chapter 7 - Potential???

Well, I haven't been true to my last post. I haven't gone out, well I have but not to meet people, more to help a younger friend celebrate her 21st birthday but the whole night I ended up talking about my fuck buddy (or former fuck buddy). As things have turned out, I sent my fuck buddy a couple messages to let him know that I do not hate him (as he thought I did), but in fact I care a lot about him. I let him know that I will always be his friend but I will get mad and disappointed and if I think he's being a jerk I'll call him out on it, but other times (like New Years Eve I might just be disappointed and get pissed off at him for no good reason). I'm a pretty rational person and know that he didn't tell me for sure that he would make it to my party, I just really hoped he did and of all of my guests; he was the only one who really mattered that came to me. Well, that's not true, I cared about my good friends showing up, but he was the one person on this great planet Earth who I really wanted to spend New Years with and was extremely disappointed when he didn't show up. I apologized to him in the messages for being a bitch as I obviously had been and told him that no matter what, even if he thinks I hate him, I don't . I also made sure to tell him I would always be there for him no matter what, even if he thinks I hate him I will be there for him. I included that I knew how much he wanted to retrieve some belongings of his from a storage space in Arizona and that I would like to for his birthday in March help him get his stuff back. After 2 long drunk messages to fuck buddy and a text to let him know about the messages I had sent him I passed out from the large quantity of alcohol I had consumed. The next morning I woke up with text messages from him asking if I was awake (obviously not, I was passed out by then) and the next text told me he was just thinking about me the night before. We text for the better part of the day before he asked me in a text if I would consider going on a road trip with him. I told him yes before I knew where we were going but assumed it was to Arizona to get his stuff. I was right. We made all of the plans and worked out renting a cargo van and getting time off from work and set it all in stone.

The next week we were on the road for a 4 day 3 night trip to Arizona. We spent the first night in a run down hotel and passed out from exhaustion of driving and me being up for over 30 hours from working the night before we left. It was not a good time of the month for me so nothing happened unfortunatley. By the second night we were in Arizona and he had made arrangements with his mother for us to stay at her house (in seperate guest bedrooms). His mother was very nice and took us out to breakfast the following morning and also took us to the grocery store and bought us lunch meat and bread for the trip back. She even gave her son (my fuck buddy) a George Foreman grill and then offered to give me a set of wine glasses. I refused them and told her that my fuck buddy (her son) might like them, but I didn't need a gift, it was nice to get away from the cold temperatures in my town for nicer weather. Soon we were back on the road headed home.

The third day we drove quite a bit, until 3 am. My fuck buddy and me had gotten into a small arguement about whether we should drive straight through or not. He wanted to just make the whole trip and I wanted to stay at a hotel. I needed a shower and sleep. I gave in and let us drive straight through but he stopped at a hotel I had picked out knowing that I was tired. We showered and slept, well he slept anyway. Not long after he crawled into bed with me he scooted close to me and it wasn't long after that I felt his arm around me. We spooned for most of the few hours that we had the hotel together early that morning. Paying for that hotel was the best money I had ever spent. When the wake up call came at 7:30 that morning I answered it and then lay back down and he again put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. It was heavenly. I guess my friends are right, all other men will forever be spoiled for me as long as he is in my life.

Even though I didn't get any sleep I was rested enough to continue the drive. He drove the first 2 hours and I drove most of the rest only turning over the wheel for the last 2 hours. It wasn't until we were close to home that he mentioned how he would like to go on a road trip with me for fun and not for a purpose as this had been mostly a recovery mission to get his stuff out of storage. He even told me about how much fun it was to play frisbee golf and agreed to teach me how to play. We had a great trip and talked and laughed a lot. I was sad it was over. I know that there is more to come with the fuck buddy. We are planning a fun trip together, well, I guess more of a vacation really. We have plans to play frisbee golf, and he's even offered to bring a blanket back to me and the wine glasses that he insist that I take that his mother gave me. I text him after I got home just to say cheers as I told him I would be making a drink and knew he had bought a bottle of wine. He text me back a kiss (muah) and told me thanx again. I guess I still have no idea where this is going to lead but I like him a lot; hell, who am I kidding, I love him, he's worth waiting for. I have been careful not to push the envelope, haven't contacted him for the last 2 days because I know he's been busy. He took off work Friday to go through his stuff and he had to work all day today. I guess when he has time he'll get back in touch with me. I know he's a hard person to get close to but I think I'm breaking down some of his walls. I guess for now I'm just going to sit back and see how things play out. I want to say that I won't be too disappointed if sparks don't fly, but I guess I know myself too well. I'm sure I'm just setting myself up to be heartbroken again but those are the risks you have to take with any relationship. If it doesn't work out or he's just not as into me as I am him then I will just need to move on and hope I don't meet another text guy or bad kisser or even worse, bad lover. Well, this has been Keri, over and out and still single.

Chapter 6 - Familiar Territory

Hello readers. I haven't written much in a while because there really hasn't been anything going on in my life in the dating world and I guess there still isn't. I decided to delete my last blog because parts of it were completely presumptuous and I didn't think that my words were fair because they were based on feelings and not actual facts. I had gotten kind of upset in the month of November with my fuck buddy because the only time I ever heard from him was at 3 am on Saturday nights after he had gotten off of his part time job as a bartender and had a few drinks. I had presumed that he only wanted to see me when he couldn't find someone else to go home with him but I know that was a completely unfounded accusation. I guess I should have been happy knowing that every time he is home at 3 am and he's in the mood that I'm the one he is texting wanting to see. It seems he never has time to see me any other time and by the time he gets to texting me I've already had a few drinks myself and can't make the drive to see him. I was a little pissed off at him for a while but knew he had to work on Thanksgiving night at the bar and felt bad for him as he doesn't have much family to speak of except for a few minor children who would be spending the holiday with their mother, I sent him a text message to tell him Happy Thanksgiving, even if he was a butthead. His reply was Happy Thanksgiving sex ass. One of the following weekends we were texting and I had found out after I had consumed much to drink that he was sober so I invited him to my place. He told me he had a shitty week and didn't feel like making the 30 minute drive. Upon hearing about his shitty week I called him right away to discuss what was going on with him. Apparently he had to much to drink one night and wrecked his car. The police weren't involved so he didn't get a dui, but his car was totalled. I came up with the idea that as I work 3rd shift and am off 4 days and 3 nights every weekend that he could use my car when I wasn't working. He called me on this and after spending a few weeks renting a car he started borrowing my car on the weekends when he needed it for his sales job. I also made sure to buy him a few Christmas gifts that I knew he would enjoy and took him a plate of Christmas dinner to work at his bar as he was stuck working Christmas night. He seemed eternally grateful for the 3 weekends that he borrowed my car before he finally bought a new one. We had also become pretty close in the few weeks as every time I loaned him my car he had to drive me home and I had to drive him home when he dropped it off which meant spending about an hour a week with him. He was telling me about things he was going to do, taking his daughter out for her birthday, a van he wanted to look at to buy (which he did on New Years Eve), just normal everyday stuff as if we were a couple. The only problem was we weren't having sex at all. I had text him early in the month of December before he started borrowing my car to let him know that I didn't expect anything out of it and we could just be friends and I don't know if that's why he hasn't made a move with me, but I didn't want him to feel obligated to sleep with me just to borrow my car. There was no reason for him not to borrow my car; if he didn't borrow my car he would have had to pay for a rental and then wouldn't have had money for his kids Christmas presents. As much as I loved spending time with him and seeing him all the time, I was in hell. I guess I'm a masochist to volunteer myself to loan him my car and see him so often when I know I have so many intense feelings for this guy and he will never want to settle down. He had mentioned to me on one of the trips to or from mine or his house that there were a few girls at his bar who had husbands and boyfriends that kept trying to get him to have sex with them. He said he would never do it because he would have to see their husbands or boyfriends when they came into the bar and he wouldn't be able to look them in the eye. I joked with him about how much of a stud he is to have all these girls after him (he is very hot). I had invited him to many events over the past year including the party he came to, the Halloween party that he forgot about (or he thought it was a different weekend), to my brothers house for Thanksgiving and to my moms for Christmas (both Thanksgiving and Christmas he had to work), and then I also invited him to my house for a party on New Years Eve. I knew he was off that night and he told me he would probably come as the only other thing he had to do was go to the bar where he worked. He didn't show up at my party much to my extreme disappointment so after all my friends had left my house I started texting him. I told him so he decided to go to the bar and hang out with his skanky bar groupies. I'm sure I text him a few other things but that was the jist of it. I don't remember what his reply to most of it was but I got a text the next day from him that said "wow, you really don't like me do u?". If only he knew. So I'd turned off my cell phone for 3 days and found something else to occupy my time and I found that in reading. I found a series of books that I was so into that I didn't do anything else for all of last weekend while I was off except read. I read 3 and a half books in the 3 days that I was off work and I finished the series which had 8 books altogether. I didn't know what else to do now that I'm done with that series but much to my surprise last night I got a text from my fuck buddy (if I can even call him that since we haven't had sex in 2 months now). He just said "Hey Keri, how are u?" I replied that I was good and asked how he was, his reply was just tired. Not really open to much discussion. I guess even though I know I completely overreacted on New Years (I really didn't have a right to get mad at him, he hadn't told me he was definitely coming to my party), he still wanted to be in my life. I know he's only been back in town for a couple years now and prior to that he had lived in Arizona for a long time. I know he doesn't have a lot of good friends in Cincinnati and I'm sure he knows how much I care about him (evidenced from me loaning him my car every weekend, buying him Christmas presents, I even bought him groceries when I was afraid he might not have anything to eat). I guess I think he might just have problems opening up to people and has always had these problems since school. He doesn't continue to see people long enough (usually because he never calls the girl again from what I've heard) for people to care about him and maybe I'm something new to him. In the time he's opened up to me he's told me about how fucked up his life was when he was a kid moving around a lot and that his mom abused him, I guess he was hit a lot. I'm still very confused about our relationship but I guess for now we're backing away from the fuck part and just going to be buddies. You can really never have too many friends. One of my best friends though warns me about this relationship as she knows all other men are spoiled to me as long as my former fuck buddy is in my life. I guess I won't just sit idly by and take a vow of celibacy while I wait for this guy to finally wake up and realize that maybe he does want to settle down. I'll go out and meet people and flirt, but I guess I know even if I see other guys he will always be in the back of my mind. Well, that's really all that's been going on in my dating life. This has been Keri, still single and still looking. Over and out.

Chapter 5 - Back to Square One

So, I've been out there. Been dating. And back to square one. I met a couple guys who found me on myspace and dated briefly. Let's see, we'll start with a guy who looked really good in his pictures. We instant messaged quite a bit and then decided to meet. I invited him over to my house and grilled out and had a movie that we were going to watch together, one that he really wanted to see. Everything seemed great with this guy except that he had 4 kids and lived with his sister (he told me that his house had a fire and he was forced to move in with her). He told me he was a manager at a local pizza place, but then he told me he delivered pizza's which was part of his job as a manager, then later he told me he was a shift leader. He showed up at my house in his car with the pizza sign afixed to his car. He was wearing a leather jacket that looked 20 years old as there was barely any actual leather left on it, it was very faded. But worst of all, he had monster teeth. His teeth were all jagged and they were BLACK. I think he must have been in too many fights and the teeth that were mostly chipped off were all black from being dead. He was a nice guy, and I could see a slight potential for me to fall for him, but it was just so slight. I just don't think I could kiss a guy whose teeth were soooo bad. I didn't respond to any more messages from him.

Next guy I met also found me on myspace. This guy was a college educated guy, a CMC programmer. He seemed to have a good job and seemed very nice. His pictures on myspace indicated he had a large family and was a very family oriented guy. He was in shape and really quite buff. When I talked to him he mentioned how he took his mother to church every Sunday and that he had recently broken up with his fiance. I asked to meet him for a drink one night but he said that he had just paid bills and wouldn't have extra money to go to a bar but instead invited me to come hang out at his apartment which had a pool and we could have a few drinks and hang out at the pool. I agreed but told him that if I drank too much that I would have to stay on his couch. That was agreeable to him. I did go to see him and we sat up and had a lot to drink and sat and talked most of the night. I really enjoyed his company and I didn't sleep on the couch as it was. I did find out that night though that he was incapable of having sex after drinking. We did actually have sex the next morning (if you call it that). It was almost the worst sex I have ever had (the first would be with a guy I went to high school with who's penis was no larger than my pinky finger - guys pay attention, drugs and cigarettes really do stunt growth). This guy though stimulated himself to arousal by (I'm not kidding here) humping my leg. Believe it or not, the sex wasn't the worst part of dating this guy. I decided (I guess I was pretty desperate by this point) to try to make things work and continued to see him. Much to my chargrin, he had a very low self esteem. He constantly text me to ask me why I liked him and if I was sure that I wanted to be with him. After seeing him for 2 weeks and being bombarded with self esteem boosting text messages I finally put my foot down and told him that no, I didn't want to see him anymore. He politely replied that he understood (at least he was a gentleman - or so I thought). Then I got the inevitable text message to relieve me from any guilt for breaking up with him, one night he text me asking me if I wanted to fuck. WTF??? I didn't even want to go out with this guy, what in God's name made him think that I would ever want to have sex with him again??

On to the next I suppose. He had also found me on myspace. This one was about 8 years my junior which is really ok with me. The way I see it, guys die before women and younger guys typically have a higher sex drive. I'm down with it. Well, me and this guy got together just once before he told me he had to go out of town for a job (he was a contractor for a huge home surplus store where he worked to set up their display sections). I had a great time with him the first date, we played pool (I actually held my own against him even though my game really sucks), and then off to a bar where we could have talked all night, and then I invited him home with me. I loved his company but the sex was very brief. I didn't even come it was so brief, like under a minute. I understood though that it had been a while since he was with a girl. So, he was out of town for a few weeks for this job and while he was out of town we just text briefly. I checked his profile on occasion only to find out that he had been adding girls to his friends list. Ok, I wasn't going to date another myspace whore. I decided not to let it bother me and even agreed to let it go. When he was back in town we went out to dinner and then back to my place for drinks. Sex was pretty much the same, quick draw mcgraw. I sent him an email soon after that telling him that I didn't want to see another internet whore. He let me know very politely that the girls he added were his sisters that he found on myspace and that he would never try to cheat on me but he understood why I would want to stop seeing him. I felt bad after that but was relieved that I didn't have to not have another orgasm with him again.

Ok, so now I'm really wanting to just find a boyfriend who I click with. I signed up for yahoo's dating service which advertises it's free to sign up. It's in the small print that it's free to sign up, but you have to pay a membership fee to interact with anyone. Within 2 days of signing up I had over 20 responses. Damn. That's awesome, until I realized I had to pay a membership fee that I couldn't afford to pay. Nothinig going on there.

I continued searching out the "free" craigslist ads and one night (again after much to drink) found a guy who sounded perfect. I had seen his ads plenty of times before. He was always just looking for someone to hang out with in my neighborhood. Then the next morning he was always posting he was just looking for someone to go see a movie with. On this particular Saturday night I noticed he hadn't posted his usual movie buddy ad that morning, so I replied to his previous email about finding someone to hang out with. I asked why he wasn't looking for a movie buddy. We started communicating through email, then through instant messenger, and then on the phone. I was a little buzzed and open to it. We talked a lot and even planned on meeting up the next weekend. As fate would have it, we never got to meet. He had to go out of town for a job (what is up with these guys who have to go out of town to work??). We continued to talk quite regularly and I even offered and planned on picking him up at the airport when he came back into town 3 weeks later (even though I had to use an occurrence at work and call in sick for a guy I hadn't even met in person yet). I checked his pictures out on his myspace page and I already thought he was attractive, also intellectual, wrote poetry, and just had a great personality, his pictures on myspace though showed that he had a pretty good beer gut that wasn't evident in any of the pics I had seen of him on craigslist. I didn't care though, I really liked talking to this guy. When I told him I would pick him up, I told him I would take him home and he protested and said instead he wanted to come home with me that night. I assumed since he had been gone so long that he would want to go home. He said there was nothing at his house for him and he would rather spend the time with me. I was pretty elated and looking forward to meeting this great guy in person. To be honest with you, I was looking forward to getting laid. I had swore off all other men after I started talking to this guy (I even had another much more eligible guy find me on the internet (his profile reported that he made $125-$150k a year) but I blew off this other guy because I liked the one who was out of town for a month. I was so excited and looking forward to meeting this guy but then... We talked on the phone one night and I told him how excited I was to see him and all of the reasons why I was so excited (one of them was to get to know him biblically), he told me that he might not want to have sex with me. This came as a huge shock to me as I'd already had phone sex with him twice. I couldn't understand why he was dismissing even the possibility of having sex with me. I was pissed. I told him so and asked him why was I even picking him up and bringing him back to my place to spend the night. He responded that he could get another ride from the airport and I advised him it would be best to do so. I emailed him a couple times after that, sent him an invite to a Halloween party that I had already invited him to (hoping he would come and we could make up) but he was a no-show. When I emailed him the party invite I put as the subject line for him to not open the email. He used the same line to make a new cl ad and even throughout the message used I guess reverse psychology telling the reader of the ad to not contact him I guess in hopes that they would. I replied to his ad telling him it was plagarism for him to use my line and that I should sue him and I made sure to include lol to let him know I was just kidding. I have since then seen another ad he posted and this time he is searching for a skinny brunnette with long legs. Now, as much as I think he is good looking, he's NOT ALL THAT that he should be dictating that he's looking for a skinny girl with long legs. I didnt bother responding to him, guess he will find out when he doesnt get any responses that he is asking for too much. I am just going to leave him alone now.

Well, now as promised in the heading, back to square one. So I was bored and pmsing and extremely horny. I text messaged my fuck buddy. I had seen him a month before, he had text me out of the blue and at first I was reluctant to get together with him (I was on the rag and still talking to the previous guy). I told him I wasnt interested in hooking up. After I found out that there was no chance of me hooking up with the previous guy I text my fuck buddy back to tell him I was just on the rag and would like to get together. We did and it was just as incredible as always. My fuck buddy is very passionate. He knows exactly how to kiss and touch to make it a wonderful experience. Even if his cock wasn't involved I would probably still get off with how great of a lover he is (well, maybe that's not entirely true, but damn close). He told me he was working bartending as a side job and he had to work on Halloween. I told him I was off on Halloween and thinking of having a party but not sure. I decided to go ahead and have a party, actually two parties - one for my best friends on Saturday and one for all my work friends who had to work on Saturdays and that one was on Sunday. I sent my fuck buddy an invite but he was a no show. I was pretty disappointed because I really wanted to get it on with him. I text him later in the week to see if he wanted to get together but he had to work. He text me the next night, well actually it was the morning after the next night - at 5:10 am. He asked me what I was doing. It was November 1st, and I had already been passed out for a few hours, was on the rag, and asleep. I waited until the next morning to text him back at around 3 am to let him know that I was on the rag and was passed out by the time he text me. I told him that if he wanted to just see me then I could come over the next night (Nov 2) to hang out and I had a movie I wanted to watch with him as I was too scared to watch it on my own. He replied that I should bring it over right then and there. I reluctantly agreed and found myself at his apartment at 4 am. We started to watch the movie but ended up talking through it all. We then started watching another movie and went to bed. This was the first time I had spent the night with him at his place, only the second time ever that I had spent the night with him. While we were awake we talked a little bit about movies and he told me he wanted to see a movie that had just come out and we actually made plans to see it together. I don't know yet if this is an actual date or just a couple friends going to see a movie together. We made out the next morning (there are ways to make out even when you are on the rag, just let your imagination run wild here). Previously in the night I had asked him in a text if he would ever let me come to hang out at his bar while he's working and let me spend the night with him. I told him I didn't want to interfere with any of his action that he might be getting while he was working. To my surprise he said ANYTIME. So, now we have plans for me to come see him at work this Satuday and spend the night with him, and then we have plans to see a movie together on Sunday night. I'm very concerned about these turn of events. I realize that I still have a lot of feelings for this guy and have no idea how he feels about me. I had recently joined a free dating website and have gotten a little interest from it and may have met some potential boyfriends. My biggest fear is that, as one of my closest friends have reiterated to me, that I won't even try to meet someone else while my fuck buddy is still in my life. Anther thing is that even if my fuck buddy has decided he wants to get serious with me, do I even want him??? I don't want to be his consolation prize becuase he couldn't find someone "better" from his classified ad on craigslist. I think I might resent that and that could stunt any possibility of having a relationship with him if I feel resentment about that. I think that I will just have to set the record straight with him and tell him that I will be available to him as long as I am single, but don't plan on staying single. I guess I don't know where I am going at this point, but at least I have a happy ending in the meantime if ya know what I mean. Well, this is Keri, still single and still looking (I think). Over and out.

Chapter 4 - The Fuck Buddy

Ok, so there's this guy who went to my same high school. He is 5 years older then me and although we didn't know each other in high school he knew my older brothers. I don't remember him at all from back in my high school days and the weeks and months after high school. Apparently he saw me while I was working at a local restaraunt and I invited him to come over to my apartment (which back in the day was a small roach infested efficiency). He tells me that we made out but we didn't have sex (I wouldn't have sex with him, or so he tells me). This guy found me on myspace last fall and although I didn't recognize him I approved him to become a friend and was surprised to find that he not only went to my high school, he also worked for the same cable company where I work only he's in another department. We started corresponding through messages on myspace at first I was just trying to figure out who he was and how he knew me. It didn't take me long to find out his name and that it was common knowledge that he had slept with my best friend. It took even less time to find out that he had a very bad reputation for sleeping with girls and then never calling them again. My ex boyfriend who for a brief time was a fuck buddy made it very clear to me that if I ever see this guy that he would then be off limits to me for fear of catching an std. This guy was bad news. This is what everyone was telling me, don't get involved with him. Even one of my best friends in the whole world warned me against him. But it had been 15 years since I was in high school, people change, right?

After an arguement I stopped seeing my ex altogether right before Valentines Day this year and decided it wouldn't hurt to go meet this guy for a drink. It took some time to coordinate when would be a good time, it wasn't until March that we decided to meet, I was going to take him out for a couple drinks for his birthday but right before his birthday a close friend of his passed away, she was the fiance of one of his best friends. We decided to still meet for a drink, but not on his birthday, but the following Sunday which happened to be Easter. We talked and played pool and then just sat in the bar for a while after they closed and talked. We then walked back to his place and watched a little tv and kissed. At the time I had a really bad cold and just felt horrible and didn't want to meet him right away but figured he needed a friend right about then with his friend just passing. I didn't stay as he wanted me to. I was too sick and although I would have liked to stay and make out with this guy who was clearly into me (and I was definatley into him), I just wasn't up to it with my cold. After talking to him for a while we had made a ton of plans. He was going to come to my house the following Saturday and grill out and have a few drinks, then we were going to a concert together the next Sunday, and he had even told me he had a boat and wanted to take me out on it. This guy was awesome and I think I floated home that night on my own personal cloud. I was so glad that I didn't listen to all the rumors.

During the next few days I asked this guy to drop off some of his business cards for me as he was in sales at my company and I had a friend who was interested in getting service with us and it would help him to get the sale. He dropped off the cards and seemed a little standoffish, not nearly as into me as he had been just a few days before, but that could have had a little something to do with the alcohol he had been drinking, perhaps he was shy. I mentioned the steaks I had picked up to grill out that Saturday and made sure to let him know if he drank too much at my house I would tie him to my bed so he couldn't drive himself home, he definately seemed interested at the prospect of being tied to my bed. I couldn't wait. I had everything ready when the day came, steaks marinating, corn on the cob ready to throw on the grill, and steak fries ready to throw in the oven. We hadn't set a specific time when he was going to come over so I just kind of waited for him to show up. And I waited some more. And then I got hungry so decided to go ahead and cook only to find that the self ignitor on my grill wasn't working and ended up just going through a drive thru for dinner. I then started drinking. No sign of this guy in sight, no call, no text, no nothing. After quite a bit to drink I sent him a message to let him no that I was ok even though he stood me up. Then I deleted him from my friend list on myspace. We messaged each other back and forth a few times and he apologized several times and said that he was with his friend who had just lost his fiance and that his friend was pretty upset, he didnt' want to leave him. I'm a pretty understanding person, but that's what phones are for, if you can't make it, call me. I would have completely understood under the circumstances, but CALL ME, don't leave me sitting waiting to hear from you. I was a little intoxicated and a lot pissed off. I told him we could still be friends but that I wasn't going to try to date him again. Well, things happened, we continued to correspond on myspace and even decided to get together just for sex (it had been a while since I stopped seeing my ex and had an itch that I really needed scratched, even if it was with this guy). He came to my house early and waited in his car (he had promised me that he would never stand me up again) until exactly 7 pm when he was supposed to be here. I decided to delete details, but all I can say is WOW. After that we became fuck buddies, he would call me or I would call him or we would text and usually I would stop by his place on my way to work.

Things were pretty good for a while, until the inevitable happened. I started really looking forward to seeing this guy. I got excited and my heart beat wildly when I knew I was going to see him. OH MY GOD!!!! I HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS GUY!!! How the hell did that happen? It was mostly a sexual relationship, but after we were done we would usually hang out and talk or watch tv until I had to go to work or until I left his place. This was all wrong, I can't have feelings for this guy...or can I? I couldn't tell him about these feelings, I could barely even talk to him and had a nervous excitement anytime I was with him or even if I knew I was going to see him. I decided that I had to tell him how I felt and that maybe I did want to go out with him after all. I sent him a message telling him how I felt about him and that all he had to do was ask me out. I know he read the message on a Tuesday night around 9 pm. Wednesday came and went and I didn't hear from him, then Thursday, then Friday, and now here it was Saturday night. I was at home having a few drinks watching movies when I got an im from him. It was around 2 am and he was drunk and horny and wanted me to drive to his house to have sex with him. I told him I was too drunk to drive, his response was drive really slow. I was pretty upset and told him how I felt about him and that I didn't just want to have sex with him anymore, I wanted a lot more. He told me it was silly that we were talking about this in im and that I should go to his house (knowing full well that I was hammered). At the time I was supposed to be set up the following week by a friend of mine with a guy who I initally didn't give a chance because I met him right about the same time as I met my fuck buddy (before the fuck buddy stood me up). I decided to cut my fuck buddy loose and open myself to be set up by my friend. I told my fuck buddy this and he said he understood.

I was never set up by my friend because the night we were supposed to meet he had to attend a press conference and wasn't able to attend our montly get together where a few friends who were all laid off of a company we worked for still gathered. The next month came and went and I was still optimistic about being set up by my friend. And then the worst happened, the bar that we met at closed and had a for sale sign in the window. So here I was no prospect of meeting this new guy and I had ended all contact with my fuck buddy. Damn.

As things were I had a party planned and I had invited my fuck buddy to it previously and didn't want to have hard feelings against him so I sent him the official invite when I sent invites to everyone else. After sending the invite, I sent him an instant messages (after a few cocktails - note, I really should stop drinking, these evening beam or rum and diet Pepsi's really seem to get me in trouble), the instant message said he should bring a girlfriend to my party or a cute friend that he could set me up with. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't flirt with him (flirting seems to go hand in hand with mixed drinks and jello shots) at the party which would be bad because we work together and don't want to give the impression to co-workers that we're seeing each other. He replied to tell me that he would be at the party and this opened communications. He started texting me to see if I had to work and one night I told him I was off he asked me to come over. I did. It was just as incredible as before. Nothing was ever mentioned about my feelings for him, but he told me he missed me. It was just another week until my party and true for his word he came. He was the only person who stayed over although I had told everyone if they drank too much they were welcome to stay. We had a great night and an even better morning. I thought things might actually work out for us this time.

We had discussed going to see a movie together that we both wanted to see, so I sent him a message to ask if he wanted to go the following weekend. He replied that he already had plans, which was cool. It wasn't until later that week that I found while browsing the ads (some of them are very humerous and I only check them for entertainment), that my fuck buddy had posted an ad the very next day after he left my house. He was looking for a girlfriend who was decent and had morals and good sence (yeah, that's how he spelled it). I was furious, and hurt. I decided to be diplomatic about the situation though, I replied to the ad he posted to let him know that I understood that nothing more would ever happen between us and needed to cut him loose for good, and I did. That was almost 6 weeks ago and I still think about him quite a bit. I had started seeing someone else who will probably be the subject of my next blog but it didn't last very long (and even when I was with him I thought a lot about my fuck buddy). I guess I am still hopeful that Mr. Right is still out there. In the meantime I joined a personals website last night. Still haven't checked yet to see if I've gotten any responses, but figure it can't hurt (if nothing else it will give me some more material to write about). Well until next time, this has been Keri, still single and still looking, over and out.